Saskia

I was already 4 days past my "due" date when the contractions... er *pressure waves* started. I had prepared for my VBAC by learning hypnosis for childbirth, and was convinced my *birthing time* would be relatively quick and easy. I listened to a very sweet woman's voice on my hypnosis tracks ensuring me I would have a fast easy comfortable birthing time, so I was really looking forward to it. Fast, easy. Comfortable.

No matter how much you convince yourself a normal healthy pregnancy can go to 42 weeks, the clock really starts ticking once you hit that due date, and since I wanted to have a VBAC, not another cesarean, I was well aware that my chances decreased with each day past that due date.

I was getting a little neurotic, a little panicked that maybe, as much as my pregnancy was totally normal, there might be something wrong with me where actually, my body would NEVER go into labor- er, have a *birthing time*. Thats a little like what happened with Akiva, my water broke but then... nothing happened. So this seemed like a possibility. I might be pregnant. For. Ever.

So when I had pressure waves at night I was very excited and boy did they seem easy- even comfortable! I guess I really had hypnotized myself! Until they stopped in the morning, and nothing happened for the rest of the day.

So, frustrated, feeling huge, feeling very hormonally emotional, feeling like my body had played that "psych!" game, I called my amazing doula, Mandy, who brought me another hypnosis CD called "Baby Come Out", or "come out baby" or something like this. And again, in the middle of the night after listening to that nice woman on the cd, I had some more contractions!- sorry- *pressure waves* which culminated in a sort of popping sensation and something like what I thought could totally be my water breaking!

But...it wasn't.

This was OK, because at least something was HAPPENING, and at least I wasn't even 41 weeks yet, and I was very excited anyways that my pressure waves were so easy and comfortable. Even when they had started to not be so comfortable, I felt like actually, it was just pressure, a big hug, as that nice woman in my hypnosis liked to say. I was very excited for my totally natural unmedicated easy birthing time, even after hours and hours if it was looking like it wasn't going to be *fast*.

I'll spare you any description of the hours spent all day listening to my hypnosis tracks, doing my best to stay comfortable, or how my when my water did actually break, it was about 10 feet outside of my OB's office, so I had to walk into a waiting room with my massive, overdue belly and sopping wet pants, grimacing through my *pressure waves* terrifying a newly pregnant couple who was waiting there for the last appointment of the day.

NOTE: if you are in labor and your water hasn't broken, don't leave the house without a fresh pair of pants. Obvious, right? Not to me. Yes, I had to sit in wet pants in the car the whole way home...

I finally checked into the hospital late that evening, after about 10 hours of contractions, and I wasn't at all close to having the baby. It was really, in all honesty, no where near comfortable anymore. It was agonizing. I might have been able to see 8 hours, even 10 hours of this as comfortable, but when I was looking at 20+ hours this was going to turn uncomfortable at some point. Really uncomfortable. Fucking insane, actually. And it did. I had a much welcomed epidural, and after about a total of 20 hours of contractions, my birthing time was no longer fast, it wasn't easy, but with some drugs that I felt totally guilty taking, it was finally comfortable.

My OB suggested turning the drugs off so I could push, and this seemed like the right thing to do, but it since I ended up pushing for 3 and a half HOURS this was easier said than done. I have heard stories of women pushing for 3 and a half minutes. Of babies seemingly falling out of their bodies while in a taxi or the shower. I knew that my chances of having that happen were slim, but I did not expect to spike a fever, have the baby's heart rate skyrocket, and have the head of labor and delivery march into my hospital room to pull the plug on my whole VBAC. Well, actually, my amazing OB fought for me. And I began to ignore the nurse who was counting ONE TWO THREE FOUR....! as I pushed, but I actually DID like my OB yelling things like "you're so strong! that's it!" and I would ask Mandy if she thought I could push the head out with the next push- and she always said "yes!" Like, 20 times. And sweet Matt's gentle voice quietly telling me I was amazing...finally the head of labor and delivery who came in to tell me I needed another c-section left, and I did push Saskia out, and it was one of the weirdest and most intense things I could ever imagine.

I reached down and put my hands under two tiny armpits and pulled her to me, huge cheeks bright red, her little eyes darting about, my sweet love.

Welcome to the world Saskia.

*** I do still maintain that hypnosis for childbirth is absolutely worthwhile and one of the best things I could have done to prepare for having my baby. I strongly encourage women to have drug free births, the fever I spiked was most likely a result of the epidural and if it wasn't for my outstanding OB literally arguing against the hospital, that epidural would have directly resulted in another c-section for me. VBACs have their own issues, and my hypnosis did help me tremendously!***

Rambling from being sick- the internet can really make your head spin

I've had a bad cold- made worse by being pregnant, so for the past few days I've sat around on the couch reading lots and lots of parenting articles, blogs, and news items here on the interweb. Its like being pregnant again has put me at square one all over again like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day- reading again what happens each week of my pregnancy on the same website I read 3 years ago, wondering again about vaccines and all the new studies one way or the other, routine hospital procedures, and wondering what I want to wear when I give birth!- apparently you don't have to wear that hospital gown! you can wear something cuter- and I've spent waaay too much time surfing around looking for that perfect little black dress- that allows for skin to skin contact immediately after birth, intermittent fetal monitoring, and perhaps the perfect opening in the back for an epidural.* (Suggestions welcome I can't seem to find just what I want yet...)

But I guess I'm struck by how the same debates, the same things that confused and outraged me when Akiva was an infant, or made me laugh- are all so much completely the same, played out among just slightly younger people over and over again, similar news items, but now I've had days and days to be bombarded since I don't feel like really doing anything but sitting here in the couch.

There was a recent news article about a woman kicked out of a courtroom for breast feeding her sick baby who had an ear infection. Now I understand that breast feeding is a very loaded topic- people feel very strongly about it. Women who can't or who choose not to breast feed feel that they are made to feel like bad moms by women who are pro-breast feeders, and women who choose to breast feed are made to feel like they are doing the equivalent of taking a dump in front of everyone when they breast feed in public- (I was shocked how many replies to the story I read on Huffington Post included people equating this woman's breast feeding to someone pooping). So what is a new mom to do about this- that no matter what you do about feeling your baby, some one is probably going to try to make you feel bad.

I would love it if women could pop a bottle into their babe's mouths without those raised eye brows from the other moms at the playground- and pop a boob into a babe's mouth without someone else's raised eyebrows, what a nicer world this would be. People need to remember- you don't know why a woman is choosing to formula feed her baby, and so all that tsk-tsking you're doing inside is really based on nothing. And I have a burning question for those who are uncomfortable with a woman nursing a baby under a wrap in public. I'm asking this in all sincerity- what exactly is it about seeing a baby under a wrap close to its mother which is upsetting? Is it the idea the baby is eating? I would love some one to describe what goes within them when they see a woman with a baby who is nursing and it upsets them.

Now I also read another blog about parents judging other parents. Even though I've just laid out a plea to stop the judging, the internet has whirled me around and made me change my mind. When I hear about a child being abused, I judge and judge harshly. Like in this whole Judge John Adams video incident. When people see something happening to a child that they feel is wrong, its very hard not to look at the parent and judge. I judge this Judge, and I'm not sorry. In fact, I also judge those who don't judge this Judge, judging from support of hitting children that I have read in response to blogs about not hitting children. Being judgemental? Just now judged as just.

The internet is a wild place, full of people who in the cloak of cyber anonymity can be honest, and this honesty has been jarring to me sometimes. What do you guys think? Are you judgers? Do you follow lots of news about parenting? Do you know where I can get a great little number to wear when I give birth? Enlighten me, I'm a little all over the place after all this web surfing.

*my own opinion is that I would love to avoid an epidural, but since this birth will be a VBAC, I need to be prepared for things not going according to plan.

Its all changed since I last had a baby

And here I am sorting through closets of all of the baby things we have for Akiva that were totally unnecessary when I come across this on Huffpo. Will not be on my registry for this new baby.

Big Brother

This week Akiva has been especially loving towards his stuffed animal, Kitty. He was never particularly attached to a blanket or really any sort of stuffed animal until the last couple of months. During these last few months, Akiva got a new baby nephew, and some close friends had their baby girl, and Matt and I told Akiva that he is going to be a big brother.

Akiva is now sort of mommy-baby obsessed. He takes Kitty places he would never have taken a stuffed animal, and scrunches up his face as he hugs Kitty and in a great impression of someone doing baby talk, says things like: "look at her little chubby mouth", or "look at her little chubby paws" and often points out to me what good care he is taking of Kitty.

Akiva has had a thing for baby girls and even before we told him I am pregnant, he acted as if he had a baby sister. He would play with some toys and lay some aside "for my sister". I thought maybe it was an imaginary friend kind of thing, but then he started referring to to the baby in my belly as his sister. I tried to tell him it could be a baby brother once but he sort of looked at me like I was crazy.

And the other thing he likes to do is tell me that we are going to play babies, and then he assigns roles: I am baby Willa (our friends' daughter) and he'll be baby Ezra (his cousin) and then we lie down and stare at each other and say "ga ga goo goo" or the even funnier to Akiva "waa waa"and then Akiva starts laughing and says in a very high pitched voice: "What do you need little baby Willa?" Actually, more often than not HE is baby Willa and I am baby Ezra. He finds great delight in how small babies are and I guess maybe this is just a universal truth about animals: we all find smaller versions sweet. Akiva has the added twist of finding them funny, too.

This image cracked Akiva up today as I asked him if he wanted to see what the baby looked like:

He thought it was hysterical. He also likes to make nonsense noises at my stomach and ask "is my little sister laughing in your belly?" I'm glad he finds the whole becoming a big brother thing so funny.

So we'll see what the next few months bring. My mother told me that on at least one occasion my older brother (about 2 1/2 at the time like Akiva) punched her in the stomach when she was pregnant with me. I'm not blaming my mom for not protecting me by somehow making the whole new baby thing a laugh riot for my brother- I honestly don't know how Akiva will be feeling when it really sinks in that he is going to have to share us... but for now I'll take his adorable mommy baby games and how he declared in his tiny high pitched voice before bed tonight that "I love my little sister and I can't WAIT for her to be born!"

I love being a parent! Right?

I fly on airplanes just about every week, and if I forget a book or a DVD I want to watch I often end up buying magazines to read. I love Scientific American- (a dream role one day would be a scientist who gets to wear fantastic clothes and lives in Hawaii)- and so I picked up an issue a month or two ago and read a depressing article about parenting.

The gist was, that parents sort of falsely inflate how wonderful it is to be a parent. If I’m remembering it, the more parents were informed of the financial toll of raising a child to the age of 18, the more they expressed the emotional satisfaction they got from being a parent. It was implied that in our current culture, where children really provide no real economic help to their parents as they had generations ago, there is really no benefit to having kids at all except for whatever emotional satisfaction loving your kids brings. And that parents don’t really have the huge emotional rewards they claim. Until they are confronted with the massive bill. Then comes all the professing of what a joy it is to be a mom or dad in an attempt to make yourself feel better about the huge amount of money sucked from your bank account annually by those kids.

As I read the article I also started to panic… what am I doing? Yikes!Was having a child just total financial suicide and I don’t even really like it? I suppose I am very persuaded by things I read, but immediately upon sliding the magazine into my seat back pocket and looking out the window into the fluffy clouds, I knew this article was kind of crazy. As a baby cried in the seat behind me, (as a former frequent-with-baby flier I am now immune to being bothered by infants crying on planes) I thought the whole article was nuts- who designed that study anyways?

I have to admit your 20’s are hard. Mine were crazy and fun and lonely and exciting, and I have some really unique adventures and people and places in my memories that are just so delightful to me that that was my life. I had probably way more freedom than most people being a mostly waiting around for work actress. Most of my days were entirely my own, to do what I pleased when I wanted in fun cities like New York or Los Angeles, and I think I had the mentality of a 24 year old until I was at least 30. Seems ideal? It was hard.Floating around with a desire for purpose, with jobs that came and finished and gave me purpose and challenges, in spurts- but striving for more of it, and striving is exhausting too, it’s draining and confusing and I questioned how fickle, mentally abusive, and bizarre my career was and if I was really cut out for a life this…. hard.

And then my 30’s just seem so much more full of joy, even though I have so much less of the things I thought people wanted. Especially as a woman. Less freedom, less smooth skin, less impromptu travel, less ability to be “up and coming”, less attention at a party, less tolerance for public transportation, ... less time. I spent time in my 20’s panicking that one day I would be in my 30’s. I was that person. And now that I am here, and now that I have found my family, I can honestly say being a mom is hands down the most rewarding, satisfying thing I could have ever imagined out of life. I often joke with my manager about the kinds of directors I want to work with, or roles I’d like and I say things like “I’d work for free!” (Downton Abbey?) or even the ridiculous “I’d pay them!” (um...maybe not quite) but the reality is, that’s what being Akiva’s mom is. It’s a role where I guess I’m paying them* to do it because I love it so much.

So honestly, I am so gooey doe-y eyed in love with my son I really think Scientific American is overlooking some key parent bonding psychological studies that must be out there... It’s a feeling so pure and awesome that if I knew it existed and never became a mother, it would have been the greatest regret of my life not to experience it. I am so proud of myself for taking on the challenges of parenting and improving in the ways I want to improve…and so blown away by watching the miracle unfold of a person creating himself. I really love this job.

I do think most parents really and truly feel this way. I think nature designed us to get an intense satisfaction from parenting, and it’s not some psychological trick we play on ourselves. What do you think? You think maybe this post is a reaction to reading about how much college tuition is going to be in 2026?

*right now thats any company that manufactures toy trains or books about trains

There will be more!

Clearly it has been a very long time since there has been a post on this blog. I have been a little busy recently, but want to post and there's no time! There will be more soon. I promise.

Happy (weird and wonderful) New Year

When I was a child, anybody over 30 years old was waaay old, and any date past 2010 just felt like... it would have to happen in an other dimension or something. I could imagine the millenium- 2000, and I knew that some years would follow that, but in my childhood mind, only about 10 years seemed to actually exist past the millenium. And now here we are, 2011. And I have to say it's pretty strange already, no? I just read about birds and fish dying by the thousands in Sweden, England, Kentucky, Maryland, Brazil, and New Zealand, and if any part of the Mayan calender ending in 2012 seems creepy to you, this must play into those doomsday fantasies. Especially being a mom now, for some reason I can't help being extra special deeply worried by things like this.

But then right along side those worrying reports I found this one:

Baby white lion cub triplets born in Argentina! Lots of death, but lots of new life. Happy weird wonderful 2011.

Two Years Ago

I have flashbacks to all the winters I’ve known in LA, driving, driving, always driving before I had a baby, the hour when NPR turned into news and I had to switch the headlights on. I’d be in a cocoon of darkness with whatever joys or defeats of the day. I’d talk to my agent or manager one last time and then hang up, wrap my sweater around me tighter in the car, and drive on. Those dark afternoon felt so lonely.

I had always imagined babies and summer and white onesies in the yellow sun just always go together. Too many laundry commercials? But Akiva was born in December. It was very dark all the time. Especially since a newborn is as likely to be awake at 2 am as he is at 2 pm, I always seemed to look out the windows into blackness. He was always swaddled up tight and I was always in a ratty sweatsuit and the kind of large socks that aren’t meant to worn with shoes. When I’d put him in the big wrap around body sling I’d bought and take him for a walk, I felt like he had to be bundled in so tightly to stay warm that I’d close my jackets and zip it over both of us.

The early darkness these days makes me really think of that transition into motherhood. It rained the day we took him home from the hospital, I sat in the back seat with him. I was just getting used to how he was a totally different person. That after all those months, he looked like that! He has my husband’s eyes, and trust me, he really has them. Akiva’s tiny little strange delicate newborn body was totally mismatched with that set of eyes I already knew. Rain streaked down the windows. He was ours.

I didn’t feel immediate euphoria as a mother. I was exhausted. I had a c section after 4+ days of labor, and had stretches of sleep lasting no more than 4 hrs that entire time. My water had broken in the middle of the night, while I was sleeping. It was very anti-climactic. I woke up and went to the bathroom in a daze, trying to figure out if I had peed in my sleep and why would I have done that? In the back of my mind, I knew my water broke, but I was trying to convince myself otherwise because I really didn’t want it to be. It was 2 weeks early. My OB thought I would be late. At my last appointment there was no sign of anything happening. I was in that minority of beta strep positive women, and my OB knew I didn’t want to be hooked up to any IV antibiotics during labor, so I was taking oral antibiotics and hoping to re-test before I went into labor. I wanted 2 more weeks.

I went back to bed. In the morning we went to the doctor’s office and yes my water broke. But my contractions weren’t doing anything. I barely felt anything at all. My OB let me stay home, and drive to his office every 6 hours for antibiotics, a move he would laughingly tell us the other doctors at the hospital thought ludicrous. But I wanted to be at home as long as possible. I tried everything to get the baby out of me. Walking walking walking, spicy food, castor oil, you name it.

Finally my doctor ran out of IV bags to mix the antibiotics in at his office, and so I had to check myself in to the hospital. Dramatic, it was not. I was nowhere near having the baby as I filled out the paperwork. I spent hours and hours in a tiny pre-delivery room, enviously listened to cheers from other rooms as babies emerged into the world. I paced the halls, leaning into the rails with each contraction. I wasn’t allowed to eat at all, once I’d checked in, and I was soon starving on top of being insanely sleep deprived. I’d walk by the nurses’ station. I could smell their lunches. I had brought them some gourmet peanut brittle as a little gift, and I was salivating like mad thinking about it in its tin on their counter. (I had so much time on my hands in labor, I shopped for the nurses on the way to the hospital.)

And after a day and a half in the hospital, after every possible horrible medication I was opposed to had been reluctantly administered and failed to get me to dilate, ( for those moms out here I was at 3cm after 4 days) I had a c section. And I was exhausted.

To my most wonderful OB’s credit, on Sunday morning when the nurses had all been rolling their eyes, telling me a c-section was inevitable the whole time I’d been there, and I stormed on, (even with a pitocin drip cranked up all the way I refused the epidural ) my OB measured me and sadly told me I was 3 ½ cm dilated, but things would go so much faster if I could get to 4! He believed it was possible! One more hour? He said. Sure! But an hour later I had regressed to 3. My doula thought my body was saying it was too tired to give birth.

Akiva cried a gentle cry as the pediatric team got to meet him first. Matt and my doula were both there, and my doula ripped open my hospital gown for me while they stitched me up and I started nursing Akiva about 3 minutes after he emerged into the world. The pediatric team came to take him from me, but when they saw him snuggled in quietly nursing they couldn’t exactly take him away.

And so the world now had Akiva.

But as I said, I was most unfortunately drugged up and exhausted and living off endorphins. I tried to do things my way at the hospital, but didn’t have much in me to insist. For instance, the nurse freaked out when she came into the room and Akiva and I were cuddled in my bed together for a nap. “He could fall out!” she exclaimed. He wasn’t going to fall out. But I let her put him in the bassinet next to me. I never would have given him over now. But I was so weary.

Matt and I laugh now at the strange pieces of paper we keep as mementos: the purple charts we scribbled on detailing Akiva’s feeding, pooping and peeing. It was required while we stayed at the hospital. My introduction to parenting involved so much logging and chart work. It was like a science project. It was also exhausting.

And coming home was stressful. His breathing was stressful. There was absolutely nothing wrong with him, but those breaths were just so tiny! And I have to admit the umbilical cord was something I dreaded dealing with and then Akiva’s wouldn’t fall off all the way and I personally hate my own belly button being touched, so, well, it was stressful. Akiva was born but I didn’t have the calmness or brain power to know what I felt about it. When I was pregnant I would read accounts of other babies being born, and be a mess of tears- so deeply moved by each and every story! I'd read them over and over again! I loved them. But I was so deeply exhausted that my own birth story was a matter of fact thing that happened.

I was slow to feel the quiet and deep force between us. It was like a large ocean wave rising around me, coming to swallow me up over the next few days. The cold dark December days became beautiful to me. As I rested, as things came into focus, through those dark afternoons, the brightest shining light of love I have ever felt burned it’s high beams through the black night. It was so big, so monumental, this change from being a couple to being a family. This bond this little circle forever.

It is almost 2 years ago that my water broke at night. With these early sunsets, these dark afternoons, I remember that sweet bright gush of light that first falling in love with Akiva was. The biggest most beautiful transformation of my life.

Happy almost 2^nd birthday.

Confessions

Once you become a new parent there are two pretty weird things that happen simultaneously. The first is you start pushing your child-free friends to make a baby. It starts with a fun a and light-hearted little comment within some other conversation: "oh- you guys should totally have a baby! What are you waiting for?" or something. But then you find yourself bringing it up again. "Seriously. If you guys had a baby now, your baby would be friends with OUR baby! Are you thinking about it? At all?" And then it slides into conversations with your single girlfriends. "You could TOTALLY have a baby on your own! Then they could play with MY baby! ha ha!"

You don't know why it is you're doing this. You talk about it with your mate: "So and So should have a baby soon. Wouldn't that be great?"

Which brings us the second weird thing. When your friends have this baby- (or if they already have a baby, or they are friends you made because of your baby) -you start setting them up together. It wasn't about "they could be friends!!" Oh no. It's about they could be boyfriend/girlfriends. It happens so naturally that you almost don't catch how strange it really is.

So now I have to confess. Akiva has a girlfriend named Fia. And he also has a fiancee named Loe. They don't know about each other. Loe's mom even saw the picture of Akiva surfing with another girl and asked me about it. I told her the truth: he was young! He needed to see what was out there! He was a boy! And to be fair, Akiva and his girlfriend Fia really did have some bizarre moments as babies where we'd be pushing them side by side in strollers and they'd reach out and hold hands. They'd stare into each other's eyes and Akiva talked about Fia all the time. He still does. They're still together.

But why do we do this? Why are we creating these fictitious romantic lives for our infants? Is it some weird sort of way of complimenting your friend's baby?- that they are cute enough to want to set your own baby up with? I guess it's a cute way of saying you like their baby. But it's something more than that that I've yet to put my finger on exactly. Maybe it's a way of saying you like your friends? Often within these baby set-ups are some jokes about where the wedding will be and who's paying, so maybe it's some subconscious desire to create a family with your friends? And while I'm talking about it, although I have a funny little desire that Akiva turns out to be gay, (we can shop together!) it's a statement that we assume our children are straight. I haven't yet set Akiva up with a boyfriend, although maybe I should? I wonder what kind of harm I'm doing with Akiva hearing all this girlfriend stuff if he is gay? He did say to me yesterday that "Brady" (our 4 year old next door neighbor) "is cute".

I suppose for all of those cultures that practice arranged marriage, I have to give them a little credit- I suppose there really is something deep inside of us - even in the most liberal artsy fartsy households in America, that ultimately just wants to play old fashioned offspring matchmaker. Let's hope when Akiva starts bringing home girlfriends and/or boyfriends I can refrain from mentioning that he's already engaged.

Books to ban

I remember hearing about how, in the old days, groups of misguided people were known to "ban books". From print in certain countries, from school libraries. Making them very hard to acquire. Some very great books have notoriously and stupidly been banned. My opinion is that no book should ever be banned, and that censorship of ideas is very destructive.

I don't feel differently at all now, but there is a blog called "PhD in Parenting" that brought to my attention a very disturbing book that Amazon.com has, until today, been selling. They even defended selling it last week when this was brought into the media's attention. Apparently it's been all over the news, but I just found out about this today. The name of the book is "The Pedophile’s Guide to Love and Pleasure: A Child-Lover’s Code of Conduct."

As a mother of a young boy I am completely sickened that something like this exists, and even more upset that Amazon.com sold it, and even more upset that they defended selling it, saying:

"Amazon believes it is censorship not to sell certain books simply because we or others believe their message is objectionable. Amazon does not support or promote hatred or criminal acts, however, we do support the right of every individual to make their own purchasing decisions."

But the issue is not book censorship. Amazon.com is not our government. Their not selling a book doesn't mean it has been censored or banned. This is so completely not comparable to book banning. They are not required to sell all books, and there are many many books that they choose not to sell. Why did they choose, until today, TO sell this one? And the LA Times reports they are still selling another pedophilia guide.

I am not someone who thinks boycotts work, but this really makes me want to never ever buy anything from them.

My apologies for an upsetting post- things got serious on this blog recently!- but I learned about this earlier today and haven't been able shake it. I thought this holiday season as we all think about where we are spending our money on gifts that this might be valuable information for some people.

will Akiva ever want a dollhouse?

Because if so, check this out:

Too Santa Monica beach-side PCH? Then how about this?

...and how about this for a kitchen!:

...or will children still prefer the classic Victorian? Who knows, but I thought these were adorable. I stumbled across these from a company called "brinca dada" here, (researching prefab contemporary playhouses- I was looking for full-sized since this one isn't gonna work) and since I have a boy not a girl, I felt I had to share them. I don't mean to be sexist, but the dolls and little bed the dolls sleep in that I bought for Akiva have never been touched except for him throwing all the dolls out and jumping in the little bed himself and doing something that looks like a bucking bronco.

What do you think?

RIE in the news

Recently the NY Times magazine published this article about RIE. RIE, or Resources for Infant Educarers, (although unfortunately named), has given me so much as a new parent that I hate to see it written up as a celebrity trend or compared to a cult. The fact is that the founder of RIE, Magda Gerber, came to Los Angeles and set up teaching here, and so yes, many celebrities who live here have found RIE. And many people can understandably feel a little questioning about even the notion of a parenting philosophy- aren't we just supposed to know what to do- instinctively? Hmm, well, when you're raised in a less than perfect culture, you're bound to emulate some pretty weird stuff I think unless you put a lot of thought and consideration into what you're doing. In other words, sure I have positive and nurturing instincts but toddlers fighting over a toy? Help? Right?

So what is RIE? When I expressed interest in RIE to a TV director I was working with who had a daughter who had been through RIE, his reaction was to nod and smile and say "oh you're a hippy too."

RIE, as I remember reading in one of Gerber's books, has the motto "do less, enjoy more" - not "do less observe more" (although observation is a huge part of RIE) and that's really it. Enjoy more. For me, I can remember the first few RIE classes I went to with Akiva, and the beginning of the class was just simply observing another baby. And as my eyes wandered back to Akiva, it felt like it was some of the first moments where I really saw him. I wasn't hurrying through something, or catching my breath, or planning a feeding or a nap or looking for a burp cloth, or answering the phone or any number of things that filled my day as a frazzled new mom. I was given the opportunity to see him, and see that what he was up to- even as a very young baby-was some pretty serious and beautiful work of learning and experiencing and teaching himself in his own amazing little way. I didn't need to do anything. I needed to stay out of his way! He was busy. That made such a huge impact on me.

RIE basically encourages parents to provide simple toys that invite active interaction (not battery powered plastic passive interaction toys), to treat your baby with respect the same way you would a grown up (tell your baby what you are going to do to him before you do it, don't pick up a child roughly when you can do it gently, don't pick them up at all when you can ask them to move, and wait for an appropriate moment to step in and interrupt play) and encourage your children to do as much for themselves as they are able which helps them develop self esteem and authentic behavior.

One of the things people seem to think is strange about RIE is that I don't force sharing on Akiva and I don't run to him when he's fallen and swoop him up and tell him he's OK. It is hard to be at a playground and do things differently than most of the moms around you. I feel terrible in front of other parents sometimes when Akiva has a toy and another child comes along and grabs it and a struggle ensues and I don't demand that Akiva give the toy over.

I feel there is an unfair expectation that our children must be little extensions of ourselves and what our behavior would be. I'd like to think that if the child's mom came along and said to me "Hi, I like your shovel, can I use it?" That I'd hand it over knowing that it feels good to share things and make friends. But Akiva is not me, and he doesn't feel this way yet. He could not possibly grasp those reasons for "sharing", and he can learn those things when he is developmentally ready.

At his age- he's not even 2-, little scuffles over toys often solve themselves, and through that, children learn to deal with each other and have self reliance in social situations. If the scuffle escalates, the RIE thing to do, I think, would be to just say what you see going on. If some physical altercation seems inevitable, I'd gently put a hand between the children as I talked to them. If someone is left crying, those feelings are valid feelings about the situation and I always let Akiva know I see that he's crying and I am right there if he decides he needs me to hold him for comfort.

Its similar if he falls. If Akiva has a tumble and cries and I walk towards him, I tell him I saw what happened and wait to see what he needs. I never tell him "you're okay" because how do I know? Even if he has no physical harm he might feel scared or embarrassed, and thats not being okay. Who am I to say he is or he isn't?

Also, it can be hard in front of other adults sometimes because I don't tell Akiva what to say. RIE philosophy believes that children learn through observing and imitating what they see. (For good and bad right?) I never tell Akiva to say bye bye or to hug or kiss anybody. I say bye in front of him, I kiss people I feel like kissing, and hug to say hello and goodbye. He sees me do this all the time. Sometimes he feels like kissing and hugging our friends and relatives and it's so amazingly wonderful to know that he feels like doing it! The first time I sneezed in the car and Akiva said "bless you" from his car seat in the back is one of my all time favorite moments of being a mama.

So yes, I can see other people might think what I'm doing looks weird and that can be tough. We are all doing what we think is best. So I hope the next time you hear or read about RIE or see someone like me and Akiva in the sandbox, that some of these ideas make sense to you, too.

Detox

I just received and email from an organization I came in contact with over a year ago after Akiva was born. I was invited to a store opening, and the author of the book "Healthy Child Healthy World" was also at the opening. There is a "Healthy Child Healthy World" organization and website, and their mission is to help educate parents about using non toxic products so kids can grow up healthier. I think it s a pretty fantastic resource. Anyways, the email happened to contain a link to a documentary called "Toxic Baby" and the trailer scared the bejeezus out of me. It reminded me how thankful I am that we have a made a a small amount of changes in our home. I thought I'd share what we've done. Even if you don't have kids, these changes will help your health, and if you might one day have kids, making changes now will make a big difference. I hope sharing this list is helpful. When I was pregnant, it took so long and so much research to figure all this out. Much of this is also on the Healthy Child Healthy World website.

1. Open your windows! There are so many toxic chemicals in the home, a little fresh air helps. Seriously.

2. Use natural or non toxic cleaners from health food stores. Some cleaners trick you. Read ingredients. Never use "antibacterial" hand soaps, there are chemicals in them to make the "antibacterial" that are far worse for you then the germs they kill.

3. Use sulfate free shampoos and conditioners on yourself and your baby.

4. Get rid of your vinyl shower curtains. The vinyl off-gasses some pretty bad chemicals, especially when combined with hot steamy water. You can install glass, or buy hemp or even polyester shower curtains.

5. Buy 100% wool rugs and keep your floors hardwood. Many flooring products are full of chemicals that continually off-gas. And small children spend lots of time of the floor.

6. Get an organic crib mattress, and use organic cotton and wool bedding and pajamas. The flame retardants in regular mattresses stay in your body for years and years.

7. Get a water filter for your shower, and bathe your baby in this filtered water. Unfortunately, our water supplies are full of chlorine and other crazy bad chemicals.

8. Buy a really good air filter for your child's room. Get the most expensive one you can afford. Especially in LA, with all the freeways, there are these tiny particles in the air and when we breathe them in they are so small they will lodge themselves in our lungs. Forever.

9. On the same note, use a HEPA filtered vacuum.

10. Get a good water filter for your drinking water and avoid bottled water. There are many misleading claims about bottled water, but at the very least, the plastic leaches into the water, so filtered tap water is much healthier.

11. Don't use weed killers on your lawn. Again, children roll around on grass and (should) spend lots of time playing on it. And if you have a gardener, ask them to use only organic products. They will. If not find a new gardener.

12. Try not to buy toys made of plastic or made in China when your child is still at the age when things go in their mouths. I personally think there have been way to many news articles about China using really toxic ingredients in children's toys to even risk it. We can't completely help it, but I have a rule with certain toys with Akiva now- if they go in his mouth, I take it away and give him something that can go in his mouth.

13. Eat organic, and avoid canned foods. (Cans still contain BPA) There are too many studies linking pesticides to developmental problems in children.

How about you? Any suggestions to add to this list?

Halloween

We aren't sure Akiva actually enjoyed being an airplane for Halloween. That's the thing about Halloween costumes for very small children. It's complete guesswork. We thought we knew what he'd like. I asked him what airline he wanted to be and he quickly replied "Air Kotrea" (Korean Air). He likes the yin yang on the tail. In fact, the most enjoyment he got out of my handmade costume was picking the yin yangs off. Oh well. Happy belated Halloween!

Dreams Coming True

Akiva, obsessed with planes, was invited into the cockpit of our US Airways flight last week. We took a special little trip because of this obsession. (Overkill wish fulfillment parenting? Maybe, but we also got to visit Uncle Simon and take in a little desert sun.) The pilot even got up and offered Akiva the chance to sit in the pilot's seat, but Akiva got a little freaked out. They turned on all the lights for him (there are a MILLION little switches) and frankly, I got a little nervous. I don't want to know how complicated it looks in there.

I thought this sort of special trip was impossible post 9/11 but I am glad the terrorists did not win and prevent the toddlers of America from having their dreams come true.

Racing. Waiting.

I have to admit I am totally confused and frightened by two alarming and seemingly contradictory movies I have seen in the past month. “Waiting For Superman” which made me cry, and “Race to Nowhere” which also made me cry. Have you seen them?

“Waiting For Superman” is a moving, depressing and intelligent film which essentially paints the teachers unions as the major villains in our ineffective education system. It’s the teacher’s unions’ contracts requiring apparently immediate tenure for all teachers which keep terrible teachers teaching students. These terrible teachers leave kids barely literate and wanting to drop out of school as soon as possible. Who could blame them? I have suffered through terrible teachers. Although mine were few and far between. I remember the greasy ponytail of a young man assigned to teach me math in 9^th or 10^th grade. It was some sort of one year assignment, maybe he was a grad student. I don’t know. He was majorly inexperienced. I remember his glasses, a thin tortoise shell, the fluorescent lights tiny rhombuses reflected as he stared upwards. And how a model of a house I’d made for a project got totally smashed to bits in the trunk of his car. And I remember the sickening feeling of barely understanding the math he was mumbling into the chalkboard each day. I don’t remember any of the math. It was horrible. If this man had been entirely in charge of my education I would have become pretty desperate. But I went to a very well funded highly regarded public school with terrific teachers and I enjoyed school. “Waiting For Superman” shows it's pretty much a direct route from being placed in one of these “drop out factory” schools- schools full of teachers like this- to prison.

“Race to Nowhere” is a sad and shocking film about the pressure put on students to achieve academically at the expense of almost every other aspect of being human. The stressful overload of homework and after school activities inflicted on students is meant to keep children competitive for being accepted into college and ultimately into high paying careers. There is a section on tutors for toddlers to get into New York City preschools. But this film convincingly shows the overachievement culture is actually is a direct inhibitor to actual learning, a major contributor to serious depression, and actually causes poor test scores and lousy future college and job performance. One employer said that recent graduates are bad employees because they are always waiting to be told what to do.

What’s going on? Kids who live in neighborhoods with bad public schools drop out because they are stuck with teachers who don’t expect anything from them and can’t teach them, and kids who live in richer neighborhoods aren’t able to actually learn much either because too much is expected of them to the point where they are doped up on Adderall and cheating their way through medical school?

It seems that what everybody wants the educational system to do is more more more. The charter schools that the kids in Waiting For Superman are hoping to get into have better more inspired teachers, but also more hours of school work. One is even an elementary boarding school. One student it seemed, was having a hard time in his public school learning to read- but he was only in first grade. From what I know, historically it has been considered developmentally quite appropriate for a child to learn reading in the 2^nd and 3^rd grades and be considered quite normal and in fact may turn out to be ahead of other students in subsequent grades. Not to say this child's school wasn't awful, but not teaching him to read in 1st grade isn't by itself awful at all. However, it would be ludicrous to think, watching this movie, that those children are seeking out anything destructive in those charter schools- winding up in prison is destructive. It makes Race To Nowhere look downright silly.

But the confusing thing is, it wasn’t silly.

It seems we are lost as a country. The knowledge is there about effective ways to teach, and what’s healthy for children. But we can’t seem to provide that for anybody. What’s going on?

How about you? How was your school experience? Do you have children? What do you think of their schools? I’m lost.

Akiva's Music Pick of the Week 2

More guitars of course.

children + dogs = meant to be

Akiva and Kula the other day.

This morning Akiva woke up early. He was sleeping in our bed, and I walked him back to his room. Our conversation:

Me: Akiva, lets go to your crib and you can read your airplane magazine* for a few minutes while we sleep.

Akiva: Maybe Kula come in crib?

Me: (extremely touched) You love Kula, don't you?

Akiva: SO much.

*(Akiva is obsessed with airplanes. We take him to LAX to watch the planes land. He knows the difference between an Air New Zealand 747 and the Qantas A380. We were at the book store the other day and I bought him an imported British magazine called Airliner World: The Global Airline Scene - to have something to read on the potty. It has about 100 pages of airplanes. This issue specialized in the history of various Slavic airlines, and has a 4 page spread on Baltic Air. Akiva went a little berserk when we showed it to him and insists on reading the entire magazine several times a day)

We went out for coffee this morning and Akiva met Max, who was whimpering for his owner to return from inside the coffee shop.

Me: I think it misses it's master.

Akiva: Doggy crying.

We watched it and then some other dogs showed. Lucy and Bruno. Akiva made fast friends.

Then it was time to leave. Akiva walked Kula.

And we came across a puppy named Tank.

Kula liked Tank, too.

But Akiva wanted to make clear who was number one in his heart.

Andy Goldsworthy

Akiva had a nature walk this morning in Temescal Canyon with his toddler program group. It happened to coincide with a book I ordered arriving in the mail, Hand To Earth: Andy Goldsworthy. Akiva has been really into our Banksy book on the coffee table, and I don't know- I guess a toddler can really relate to graffiti, but I thought I'd have a book around that had less... disruptive... examples of altering the world around us. Aren't these photos just amazing?

The nature walk was awesome too.

My Brain this Week

Okay there is just so much you need to know in order for this to all make sense.

Firstly: I still breastfeed Akiva. (Is "breastfeed" a word? My computer is underlining it in red. Breast feed?) I don't know. -But this is my point- I feel so shy about it, even writing this post I just feel a little nervous- like everyone - even the staff at Microsoft Word or Blogger or whatever this program is underlining the word in red - is in some way against breastfeeding. And my MO about it has been to try not to bring it up, keep it on the down low, do it behind closed doors. Because I get the sense other people think breasts are for other things, and their hijacking by babies for sustenance and a sense of comfort in this terrifying world should be just a brief paragraph in the story of their adventures.

I think this way because I've encountered comments from people I know about children being breastfed until age 2 and that it was "awful". Hm, I think I might have even given a subtle shudder when talking about my breastfeeding plans- ugh! breast feeding plans- wait, doesn't "breast feeding" seem creepier than "breastfeeding"?- I digress. Yes even I was known to frown and pull my lower lip to the side when I heard about children being able to "ask" for it, this when I was contemplating my own breastfeeding future during pregnancy. See, that was the popular marker- "they're too old when they can ask for it", right? So even I was judgemental and skeeved out by toddlers nursing. It was easier to be that way.

And I thought it was entirely up to me. I didn't realize then there was actually another opinion that would weigh in.

Well, as you know Akiva was saying "guitar" at 11 months, and was able to talk in 3 word sentances by 14 months, so, instead of the usual thing about boys talking so late- I had to deal with this "asking for it" thing before most. And many of you will probably find it highly disturbing, (I found it incredibly adorable) that Akiva, around 14 months, would finish slurping up one boob and then say very matter-of-factly "other side?" (sounded more like uzzer si-i-ide?) It was even more disturbing/adorable when a month or so later he could say "uzzer side, please?"

And, as my thought was that I would nurse to at least a year, as recommended by the AAP, and then we'd be done in the coming few months once the asking started, this had to be rethought. You see, with his ability to chat about it, I realized he was very passionate about it. How could I say no? Literally. He would have a whole debate with me.

Anyways, the fact is he is 21 months and in my head I kept pushing 1 year to 2 years and now 2 years is coming up pretty quickly and I just keep reading articles about how much healthier and smarter and well adjusted breast fed kids are, and it gets more so the longer the nurse- and how the age for human weaning, if you look at stomach enzymes, and ratio of baby size to adult size, and teeth to teeth and archeological bones and families in aboriginal cultures and if you take the name of the first pet you had with the street you grew up on, etc, the age for human weaning should be like 3.2 years or something, so I feel SO totally normal to breast feed until 2. It's only 2!. And he only breastfeeds morning, nap and night, well....except....

Secondly: Akiva has been waking me up in the middle of the night. To nurse. Because he was sick AND teething at the same time! How I could not help him out with his sore throat and throbbing mouth?

But this had to stop. So Matt has been enlisted to go into his room very gently to tell Akiva that when he wakes up at 4am, ( never crying, but we hear distinctly and demandingly over the crackling monitor: "Nurse. Nurse. Nurse...."), Matt reminds him "you can nurse IN THE MORNING"

and I hear Akiva try a new angle: "Need a cuddle Mama"

Oh, he's sneaky.

Matt will tell him he can cuddle daddy.

"Mama! Need a hug Mama"

He's so good he's almost a girl!

I hear this and my heart strings are pulled so tight I almost can't breath, but then I realize I'm the one still in bed and how lucky I am.

So, anyways, this is why I have been a little out of it all week. I'm a little sleep deprived. Matt is even more sleep deprived. And because of this I found myself back in my college mindset of listening to something on NPR in the car, alone, about the universe and how it's expanding, and I'll go home and say to Matt "This whole thing that's going on? It's really weird. That it's like this. Just like this. That there are even planets, and look at us, these things -arms." And we'll both stand there, looking at Akiva "He's weird too!" "I made him in my body" We blink and watch him drive a fire truck across the floor silently.

It's gotten to that.

Or, maybe it's that it rained this week in LA. That's everyone else's excuse.